Now I know what 'they' meant.....or do I?
So, today I had one of 'those' days. Who coined this phrase anyway? 'They did' You know, the random 'they' that said that gas prices would go over $2.00 a litre...or that '30' is the new '20'...or that money doesn't buy happiness! (Ok, it's probably true but I wouldn't mind testing out the theory, I mean, Oprah seems happy doesn't she?)
What happened to make today a 'those' day? Nothing and everything. Today I feel fat, I feel like the worst mother in the world, I feel BORED, I feel far from God and I feel alone. I was doing some running around with my kids today and I heard myself talking to them and thought....is that ME? I left them in the car (yes, please no gasping) to run into Zellers and walked in the door amongst the bussle of the store and had tears brimming in my eyes. No reason, just one of 'those' days. I went to the girls swimming lessons and in fact stayed in the pool with my whole family, Calvin included and swam, and watched my girls play and thought...I'm not happy. For a moment I was fine...then we came home and Calvin left around 3 to go fishing and I was a wonderful mom doing crafts and baking with my kids for our entries into the Fall Fair.....oh yeah, wonderful mom freaking out because the glitter glue wasn't going on Laney's picture frame 'just right'. I tried to 'rise above' and 'make the right choice' but felt like a fake. My kids are very forgiving....but then I worry about how much I'll scar them because I'm not perfect. Maybe that's it. I'm not perfect. My house isn't perfect, my body is FAR from perfect, my thoughts and speech are NOT perfect....I'm not PERFECT. I read something on someone else's blog the other day (actually, I don't even really know her, it was a link from the Cyr's webite) about her dissatisfaction with life and how she's sick of it. How she needs to be content...it really struck a chord with me because it was like she was speaking my thoughts......BUT.....how can I be happy BROKE?? How can I be happy with an 'OLD' house....How can I be happy FORTY (yes, you heard it here first) pounds overweight? Actually, don't answer that...I know the 'right' answer. I know the 'by the book' answer. Let go, Let God. Pray harder, read my bible more (or at all)....I know...I'm just tired and sad today....HOLD ON..what day of the month is it? OH!! NOW I KNOW WHAT MY PROBLEM IS!!!!!! If it were only that easy.
What happened to make today a 'those' day? Nothing and everything. Today I feel fat, I feel like the worst mother in the world, I feel BORED, I feel far from God and I feel alone. I was doing some running around with my kids today and I heard myself talking to them and thought....is that ME? I left them in the car (yes, please no gasping) to run into Zellers and walked in the door amongst the bussle of the store and had tears brimming in my eyes. No reason, just one of 'those' days. I went to the girls swimming lessons and in fact stayed in the pool with my whole family, Calvin included and swam, and watched my girls play and thought...I'm not happy. For a moment I was fine...then we came home and Calvin left around 3 to go fishing and I was a wonderful mom doing crafts and baking with my kids for our entries into the Fall Fair.....oh yeah, wonderful mom freaking out because the glitter glue wasn't going on Laney's picture frame 'just right'. I tried to 'rise above' and 'make the right choice' but felt like a fake. My kids are very forgiving....but then I worry about how much I'll scar them because I'm not perfect. Maybe that's it. I'm not perfect. My house isn't perfect, my body is FAR from perfect, my thoughts and speech are NOT perfect....I'm not PERFECT. I read something on someone else's blog the other day (actually, I don't even really know her, it was a link from the Cyr's webite) about her dissatisfaction with life and how she's sick of it. How she needs to be content...it really struck a chord with me because it was like she was speaking my thoughts......BUT.....how can I be happy BROKE?? How can I be happy with an 'OLD' house....How can I be happy FORTY (yes, you heard it here first) pounds overweight? Actually, don't answer that...I know the 'right' answer. I know the 'by the book' answer. Let go, Let God. Pray harder, read my bible more (or at all)....I know...I'm just tired and sad today....HOLD ON..what day of the month is it? OH!! NOW I KNOW WHAT MY PROBLEM IS!!!!!! If it were only that easy.
posted by elliott5inbc at 6:47 p.m.
3 Comments:
I can SO relate! Yesterday I heard someone talking to my kids and thought wow that sounds like my mom when she's cranky and then I realized it was me!
Tristan can't talk because I don't play with him enough. Ava asks to read a story and I say later...I'm sure Ava's lack of hair is my fault too!
I love you and you know that I think you're awesome.
I totally understand what you're talking about. Many, many days I feel the same way. I haven't found any answers yet just what works for me, but you will in time find what's works for you. What will help you feel better.
I think you're a great mom (going from what Heather has told me). I can't believe you actually make crafts with your girls. I know if I tried that right now I would probably send the girls into therapy for life.
I've been thinking about you and just wanted to remind you that the only person who blames you for not being perfect is you!
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